I’m still playing catch up with getting all these journals onto my blog. So a brief intro from me – another week of reflection but with positive analysis for Sissy Mouse…..
Distance control journal week 54.
This week has been a relatively quiet week. Which has left me with lots of time to think about my recent actions and behaviour which I will cover after a résumé of the past week.
My first message of the week to Mistress on Sunday with a report of my weight (which remained the same so no orgasm) was replied to with the good news that Mistress was feeling better after her recent illness and further advice from Mistress on where I am going wrong with my diet and this time it was my love of full fat milk. It’s only when I read the label did I realise how much saturates are in the milk. Mistress suggested that like her I should be having skimmed milk. Yuck was my immediate reaction but as always with a bit of thought if I want to lose weight (which I do) then I need to commit to change. I message Mistress that I will commit to the skimmed milk, this will also tick a control box because from now on every coffee, tea of bowl or cereal will no longer be as enjoyable as before and remind me of my commitment to myself and Mistress. Mistress also informed me that she is going to measure me at our next session to record over time my inch loss as well as my weight loss. At lunchtime I sent Mistress a picture of my lunch as this is a non-negotiable daily requirement.
Monday’s message to Mistress to inform her of my plans for a very busy day. This included my now daily walk and then later on a picture of my lunch and 4 pints of skimmed milk (I don’t think I will ever get used to it). Mistress replies that she is pleased with my commitment to the milk.
Tuesday arrives and Mistress informs me to edge myself at lunchtime and that she has a very busy day. I thank Mistress for my task and get on with my day starting with my walk. When lunchtime arrives I go to carry out my edge and an odd thing happens I can get aroused but then just like my orgasm last week and my ruin a couple of weeks before that I can’t maintain an erection. This at the time was quite perturbing and I’m thinking to myself old age is starting to get to me because I have never had this issue before! Anyway with concentration of the mind I manage to carry out the edge and message Mistress to confirm it was done. Mistress enquired ‘was it easy of hard?’ and I reply that whilst the edge was ok because after my orgasm last week my desperation is much lower getting aroused was very difficult. Mistress replies with ‘That’s good’ which leaves me a bit confused and it’s not until Mistress reminds me of the chastity hypnosis that she did in early July did it dawn on me why it’s been so difficult and also why last week’s orgasm was not that enjoyable. My subconscious has been programmed to only enjoy arousal and orgasms whilst either in Mistress’s company or dressed as SHB (although this is currently on the backburner). When I had my unauthorised orgasm in July the hypnosis had no effect but now with a much more accepting clear mind it does. This makes me incredibly happy that the hypnosis is starting to work as the goal is that eventually I will only be able to get aroused with a trigger word from Mistress, negating the need for a chastity device (which always fail).
On Wednesday I message Mistress to inform her of my plans including a walk. Mistress replies that it certainly was a lovely day for a walk and she hopes I will be wearing panties. I never take my phone with me when I walk so I can have an hour or so of peace so I got Mistress’s messages once I returned home. I confirmed to Mistress that it was indeed a lovely day for a walk (even if the surroundings weren’t very picturesque) and that I was wearing my panties as I did every day. Mistress then asked for proof that I was indeed wearing them. This is the first time I can remember Mistress asking for proof, I wear them every day because Mistress might require proof at any time and I wouldn’t want to get caught out. Mistress has never discussed what the penalty would be for not wearing them but frankly right now I wouldn’t want to find out so I will continue as I have for around a year to keep wearing them every day and enjoying the slight humiliation they bring to me. I send Mistress my picture and as always get an amusing and slightly derogatory reply.
Thursday was very quiet as its usually Mistress’s day of doing her stuff and I hear nothing from her today.
Friday was again quiet apart from me sending Mistress a picture of my breakfast-lunch of a bowl of cornflakes (with skimmed milk yuck) as I was going out that evening and wanted to try to keep my calorie consumption down. Mistress replies “should be in a dog bowl” and that summed up Friday!
My Saturday message to Mistress to inform of my plans for the day was replied to by Mistress asking how my evening out had gone. I had been out for a curry (not diet friendly I know) but I could only manage about half and I drove so could refrain from alcohol easily (not that I drink much the last time being Christmas). Mistress was pleased that I didn’t keep going and reminded me that as you eat less your stomach shrinks.
Over the last week I have been trying to analyse my poor and challenging behaviour that had took hold of me over most of this year. What I have realised is that I have not been conducting myself as a submissive in the way I approach my business and that is that all of my customers no matter how long they have been my customers are always treated as a new customer. I make sure I try and do the best I can to ensure they return every time. This I have should have carried over as a submissive and ensured that I shouldn’t rely on what I was or had done previously but tried my best to be a great submissive to Mistress every day. Starting every day with a blank sheet of paper, remembering what it was like at the beginning striving to be an excellent submissive and client. With time I think we are all guilty of getting comfortable with any relationship no matter what type of relationship that might be and we forget to try every day to make it special. I certainly forgot to remind myself how special and enjoyable my D/s relationship with Mistress was. I remember reading an article on Fetlife quite a while ago about male submissives and how once they get to a certain level with their chosen Dominant they stop trying to impress and become sloppy. Relating it back to the hunter gatherer, once the prize had been obtained then it was time to move on to gaining the new prize.
What I have now gleaned from all this is I need to stop trying to get out of things, enjoy every session like it’s the last one. Stop worrying about what might be coming and certainly stop thinking about what other slaves are getting. No matter how good I was yesterday, last week or last month, today I have to prove myself again because the very slippery slope to the exit door is never far away.