Once again my pet’s journals have been forming an orderly queue in my inbox, with a backlog now mounting up. I read the journals every week but I don’t always have time to post them least not with a worthy introduction. However the time for worthy introductions has eluded me and I must begin clearing said backlog! So without further ado here is another humble entry from Slave Sissy Mouse who is, in his words “Firmly buckled into the controller coaster”
Distance control journal week 55
This week I thought it was appropriate to share the benefits that my walks are bringing me and whilst they are still not showing on the scales they are mentally refreshing.
You will have read over the past few weeks that my challenging behaviour came to a head with Mistress sending me a very frank to the point message. This had proved to be a true catalyst for change and made me look deep into myself as to why I got to that stage. I realised I was overwhelmed by what I had requested from Mistress. None of this was forced on me, I had requested the route of complete control but now I was no longer in control and tried so very hard to wriggle out of it. Luckily for me Mistress didn’t give up because as soon as we started on this new journey my real life kinda imploded. I won’t go into the ins and outs but it had a massive effect and it has taken a long time to sort it all out. Mistress at our last session made a light-hearted comment about what was the point of a financial slave with no money (there are plenty of those around). Because of this I have had very few sessions this year and had to cancel a few because of lack of money, also the ones that I did have were of course great but in the back of my mind all I could think was I can’t really afford this which took the shine off of them a little. I really enjoy the escapism that my sessions with Mistress brings me and hopefully I can now get back into the rhythm of a more regular attendance.
Another thing that has helped get me back into the grove is the realisation that the chastity hypnosis is working. Many of my past blogs were full of tales of chastity failure. I crave chastity as part of my control but traditional methods don’t work. I think looking back my unauthorised orgasm in July a week after the chastity hypnosis was me trying to break free from that as well. Now with a clearer understanding of what I should be doing the chastity hypnosis is working. I don’t really think about arousal, although there are times when things happen that make me very aroused for example almost every time my pc runs out of time or for the last 3 Wednesdays when I am locked out of my pc, completely stupid things like that. Having adult content removed means I don’t really get chance to look at any kink apart from twitter and very much rely on Mistress to get my kinky motor running as it were.
Another thing I think I have dealt with was my addiction to Mistress be that the daily contact or our sessions. I craved her attention and this wasn’t good for me and to be honest very out of character. Mistress is a busy woman and as she pointed out to me and wrote recently she is one Mistress amongst many slaves. At the beginning of the distance control I was grateful for any attention I received and to be very fair that was quite a lot with tasks coming in almost daily. However, as Mistress got busier not only with work by her own real life stuff, things got quieter and instead of sitting back and waiting patiently my crazed addiction addled head started to get jealous of the attention that others were getting. Thus started a true cycle of addiction, get attention enjoy it then things go quiet get jealous, bratty and so forth. A terrible and to be honest very unpleasant situation to be in, all generated by me and my mind. I still knew that the deal was I message Mistress every day and I may or may not hear anything from her. I KNEW THAT but still I went through this terrible self-destruction cycle.
Now I have calmed down and fully accepted my path (its only taken 8 months and a very decisive prod from Mistress) I understand that I am a toy for Mistress to play with when she needs amusing. She can’t play with all her toys at once so I must wait happily in my imaginary box until she has a use for me. Whilst I am there all I need to do is carry on with all my daily tasks which Mistress has been built up over the past year until I am called upon to either be useful or amuse Mistress. If she has no use for me for a day, a week, a month or longer then I must wait patiently until she does have a use for me. As an exemplary slave I should not seek out punishment but do as I am told and fully enjoy the pit of doom that I asked for and got. I am pleased to say that this week I have probably felt more submissive than I have ever felt before.
Now for a résumé of the last week’s activities.
I start the week as always on Sunday and my weekly weigh in is the same again 15st 10 I message Mistress this and to wish her a nice day. Mistress replies a little later that “it’s another week denied”. I then finish writing and submit my week 54 journal and then go for a walk. The torture of a walk on Sunday morning is the smell of bacon in the air. On my return I have a message from Mistress who has read my journal and states that it is very ‘insightful’ and enquired if even though I haven’t lost any weight do I feel better from my exercise and healthier eating. I confirm I do and the walks continue to help my mind de-cloud. A little later I send Mistress the daily picture of my lunch (my usual sandwich) and Mistress enquired why I am not having Sunday roast. I explain that I can’t go through ‘Roast potato gate’ every Sunday so I am only having a roast about once a month now.
On Monday my message to Mistress is replied to later in the afternoon that she has had a trying day and enquired how mine is going and why did there seem to be an extra half sandwich in my lunch photo. I reply that there was in fact half a sandwich less because I now struggle to eat 4 pieces of bread.
Tuesday arrives and my message to Mistress to outline my plans for the day and then my daily lunch picture is replied to later in the afternoon with Mistress enquiring why today I am having a white bap. The truth is the wholemeal bread sandwich was getting dull so I nipped to the bakers for a tuna bap but they had no wholemeal left so I had to have what was left. Mistress also informed me that our D/s relationship was seriously lacking a collar. Mistress had brought this up before a while ago and had not mentioned it since and because of my ups and downs I thought she may be having second thoughts about it so I haven’t mentioned it again. My next message from Mistress was to enquire of my plans for the following day which was just a day full of work and real life commitments. Mistress replied that I must eat my lunch off of the floor before the week is out and I confirmed that I would do it on Thursday as I knew I would be alone. Mistress informed me that she required video evidence and that I could eat my usual dull sandwich. Mistress also kindly sent me a picture of her looking fabulous as ever wearing a pair of trainers that I bought from her wish list. It has been great this week to be able once again to be able to spoil Mistress with some small gifts.
Wednesday and I send Mistress my morning message and my early lunch picture because I have a full day. I hear back from Mistress later in the day to say she was leaving me alone today as I was busy.
Thursday arrives and my message to Mistress to wish her a nice day and to thank her for my lunch off of the floor instructions was replied too with further instructions which were. I am to eat my sandwich off of the bathroom floor and I am to soak the sandwich in my own pee. Mistress also informed me that I would be granted a reward which was very kind of her and most unexpected. So lunchtime arrives I make the sandwich and break it up into small pieces and put them all in a sandwich bag. I go to the bathroom set up my phone to record the event and pee into the sandwich bag. Dump the contents out onto the bathroom floor and press record on my phone and start to eat. I have to say the soggy pee soaked sandwich was disgusting but the degradation of it made me incredibly aroused and I enjoyed every moment of it. Once finished I upload the video which took up most of my allocated pc time and messaged Mistress a picture to confirm I had done it and that it was disgusting. My reply was two emoji’s with face masks on and ‘Good!’ and very shortly after a message to say I could now look at filth. This amused me because the video upload had taken most of my allocated 30 mins and I only had 7 minutes left so I used the time to catch up on the blogs on Mistress’s website and once I had used up all the time moved to my phone to read the remainder. Mistress had already warned me that her introduction to my 1-year blog was quite hard hitting. I however think it was a very fair and correct piece of writing, everything that Mistress wrote was true. I also as always enjoyed the roller coaster weeks of Slave Taquin and the way Mistress really fucks with his mind. I do take my hat off to him and how he copes.
Friday and my message to Mistress was to inform her of my plans and as always to wish her a nice day. I start the day with my usual allocation of 30 minutes and do my rush in check what I need to check and then sign out. I can now usually make 30 minutes last most of the day and squeeze my work needs into that time. I head out for my walk and when I return I find that I have unlimited pc time until 10pm. I can’t believe my luck and make plans to enjoy some more kink related websites but alas this was not to be because Mistress had once again blocked all access to such sites. So the irony was that yesterday I had the access but not the time and today I had the time but not the access. It’s almost like Mistress plans these things!! I decide that it would be a good idea to crack on with my journal as I have no idea what time I would be allocated in the coming days. I also discovered when I returned for lunch that Mistress had now denied me access to twitter on my pc but it still worked on my phone. I send Mistress my lunch picture and thank her for still allowing me to access twitter on my phone. Mistress replies that I shouldn’t be able to and will get to the bottom of it and remove such a privilege. Once twitter goes I really am in a no kink wilderness.
Saturday arrives and my morning message is read by Mistress but no reply and why should there be. As Mistress has written many times it is her prerogative if and when a slave gets a message. It is my requirement to send a message to Mistress by 8am what happens after that is out of my hands. I go for my daily walk, do what I need to work wise and return for lunch and send my usual lunch picture. I have another full day of pc access and another busy day of work so can’t enjoy it. I can still view twitter on my phone and will continue to do so until the dreaded message comes up ‘you need to ask an adult in your family if you can visit twitter’ or any other non-adult website Mistress wants to block me from visiting.
So to sum up I have firmly buckled myself back into the controller coaster and very much looking forward to the ride however bumpy or squirm inducing it may be.