Slave Taquin – Distance Control Journal – Real Fear

If you even make the slightest suggestion that you want to experience real fear, you can guarantee that I am going to make the hairs on your arms stand up like the quills of a threatened porcupine.   You’ll go to bed sweating, you’ll be watching your back and you’ll be fearing every single ping of your phone notifications.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; Be careful what you wish for!

Another week without Mistress has started. She came back from her previous holiday, scared the living daylights out of me, and then headed off for a well-earned break with her family.

I sent Mistress my blogs for the previous 2 weeks on a Sunday morning and then didn’t hear from her for the rest of the day. I was not at all surprised by this as I knew that she had a lot of catching up to do before setting off once again. I also knew that Mistress was departing the following morning and therefore it was likely that I might not hear from her for another week. For the first time in our relationship, I was actually relieved by the prospect of a quiet week. My experiences a few days earlier when Mistress had hacked into my vanilla Facebook page and posed as me and posted messages and pictures had shaken me. I felt that I had got away with it this time having bluffed my way through the inevitable questions from those who know me well. I was terrified by the prospect of another ‘innocent’ post being made. But it was more than that. I sensed that Mistress was going to embrace this whole new opportunity to torment me that had resulted from the note I had drafted on the subject of Blackmail (I think I referred to it as consensual bullying in my draft!). I even discovered that Mistress had been discussing my fate with my vanilla lady friend. I didn’t ask her the nature of the exchange. She would never tell me anyway.

In actual fact I awoke on Monday morning to find that Mistress had sent me a late night message that informed me that she would have her phone and laptop with her this time and that I was required to suggest some possible dates for my next session. She also enquired which device I was in and wanted to know why I had troubled my VLF with holding the lock up pictures whilst she had been away (I was instructed to email them to Mistress in future). I still feel very reluctant to do this however as I don’t want to interrupt Mistresses well earned break in any way. I quickly looked at my calendar, identified some possible dates soon after her return from holiday and sent them to Mistress. I also took the opportunity to swap devices. I wanted to try The Vice once again. I had been too ambitious (trying to squeeze a quart into a pint pot – lol!) with it previously and had become rather sore. I now felt that my skin had recovered. I had also taken the opportunity to make some minor changes to the device. I put it on. I took a photo of the plastic lock that now secured the device and waited for Mistress to reply about my next session. I had decided that I would send my lock up picture to Mistress at the same time as thanking her for the opportunity to come to the HOD once again when we confirmed a date.

My experience of The Vice on that Monday night was a largely positive one. Having adopted a slightly less restrictive set of components I was pleased to find that I was actually able to pee when I inevitably woke in the early hours. I went back to bed with a view of returning to sleep for a couple of hours before the alarm sounded. It wasn’t to be however. I found myself beset by an erection that just wouldn’t go away. I suspect that it is the effect of the pressure being applied by the anti pull out a component of The Vice. Or maybe it was the fact that I couldn’t get Mistress out of my mind. The last time I had been at the HOD Mistress had tied my wrists behind my back with a silk scarf. It felt sublime. It was that memory that ensured that sleep was impossible.

Tuesday was a difficult day for me. I had a fairly relaxed day from a work perspective and so I spent most of it checking my phone in case Mistress had replied to my suggested session dates (I think that knowing that Mistress might contact me is so much more difficult to cope with than knowing that she won’t) and a fair bit of time on Twitter as my time allowance appeared to be pretty generous. I just felt super needy all day. But that is how I should feel whilst my Mistress is away. That might explain why I did what I did. I think the best way to summarise what I did is to show you a copy of the email I sent to Mousey on Wednesday morning.

Good morning Mousey
A difficult time yesterday, last night and this morning.
V needy yesterday.
Bought Mistress R’eal a couple of gifts to thank her for her Twitter posts without asking Mistresses permission. (I won’t send her such a request whilst away).
Got worried by vanilla friends appearing on fetish Facebook again. Deleted account.
Still didn’t send Mistress my lock up photo from a couple of days ago despite being told to email it to her if i wanted. Mistress told me to do that rather than bother my vanilla friend. (I can’t bring myself to send it to Mistress whilst she is on holiday).
Got an erection that wouldn’t go away at 3am this morning, and removed the device!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Will lock up again this morning (using a different anti pull out component) and confess all in my blog.
I jolly well hope that you are faring better than me!

After sending my email to Mousey I left home and went to work in a customer’s house. I hadn’t been there long when my phone pinged with a notification that I had signed into my Google account from a Samsung S7 (which is what I have). I assumed it was checking because I was now in a different location. A couple of minutes later I received another similar notification. I thought maybe it was because I had been changing settings on Facebook prior to deleting my accounts. And then it did it again. This time I started to worry. Could it be Mistress? Surely not, she was after all on Holiday. One more notification about someone signing into my Gmail and I cracked. I sent Mistress a text and asked if it was her. Her reply set my heart racing. She had seen that I had been communicating with Mistress R’eal and was interested to know why. She also told me that she had read all of my communications with Mousey! I thought back to my series of confessions in this morning’s email and shuddered. Would she understand my plight or would she just be pleased that she now had another good reason to punish me? My phone pinged to tell me I had received a Gmail. I went to the app only to find that Mistress had blocked Gmail on my phone. I went to Twitter, but that was blocked, I went to Google to find that blocked also. And as I worked on in my customers house, isolated as I was from my fetish world, my phone pinged away merrily reporting further Gmails had been received.
It was only when I got home that I was able to boot up my PC to access my Gmail account to find out what I had missed. The first Gmail I read horrified me. It was Mousey’s reply to my morning confessional. It read:

Good morning

I have just spoken to Mistress and she said you have been naughty. I just thought I would give you the heads up that she is going to be on the warpath when she returns. That thought makes me squirm but I’m in her good books because I’ve been looking after you. I’ve also decided that I won’t make a point of leaving things lying around on my computer because I wouldn’t like to feeĺ her wràth or risk being exposed. Shudders. Though if I know Mistress I think she probably sees a lot more than she let’s on.

It seemed that I was in real trouble! Mousey and I then exchanged several further Gmails during which we both realised that Mistress had posed as each of us on each other’s accounts! Mousey never wrote ‘his’ reply above. (His actual reply to me was kind, considerate and supportive). And indeed one of ‘my’ replies to Mousey wasn’t me at all. Mistress must have been having so much fun as we descended into our personal turmoil’s.

Later that day I did indeed send my latest lock up picture to Mistress and we agreed a date for my next session early the following week. I am hoping very much that my deviations from the path of true servitude might have been forgiven by then.

I did receive one message from Mistress that appeared totally innocent but actually made me shudder and wonder, in that order.

Shudder – Mistress asked whether or not I had orgasmed after removing the device the previous night. It was asked so innocently. But it was a much bigger deal than the simple question suggested. It really is the ultimate ‘golden rule’. A slave does not orgasm unless given permission. (The other golden rule is to always tell the truth regardless of the consequences). I answered truthfully that I had not. It made me shudder because I knew that, if I had provided myself an orgasm, Mistress would have punished me terribly.

Wonder – I had told Mistress that I was going away for a long weekend. Mistress asked if I was going to remain locked. It was a question so out of character for Mistress. It was after all Mistress who insisted that I remained locked during the most difficult of circumstance whilst away for weekends with my friends. I have been forced to devise coping strategies for such times and am now never unlocked except for when I am bound and helpless at the HOD or as a result of medical necessity. It made me uneasy therefore to be asked whether or not I intended to remain locked. Since when has it been my choice? I replied that I would remain locked unless I ran into a genuine (soreness / potential injury) problem with The Vice. It was, I am sure, the right answer.

I awoke on Thursday still successfully locked in The Vice. It had at times been a challenging night as the device seems to torment me (without injury) in a way that no other device ever has. I had remained locked as a result of sending Mistress my lock up picture. It stopped the gremlin on my shoulder from telling me in the early hours that I should release myself ‘because Mistress will never know’. I turned on my phone to find that Mistress had sent me a Whatsapp instructing me to describe a dream that I had told her that I had had a couple of nights earlier. I did as instructed and got on with my day. I received a text later telling me to take off The Vice and replace it with the Uberkinky device. I was actually a little relieved as I knew that there was a risk of not being able to cope with The Vice whilst I was away and that this change would prevent another ‘fail’ on my part. She really is a very wise Mistress. I changed devices, using the smallest back ring that I can squeeze into and this time locked the device with the metal padlock that Mistress had given me when I was at the HOD several weeks earlier. I did hear myself take a breath as I clicked it shut. It is so final and inescapable with a metal lock. Mistresses property responded to the situation as would be expected. I put the key safe into the car in case of emergencies. (I knew it would have to be a genuine emergency for Mistress to ever give me the code to it allowing me access to the spare key!)

I awoke on Friday morning feeling just a little sorry for myself. I thought that today Mistress was back at home following her holiday. This morning however I had to set off for a family weekend away. It was the way that the last few weeks had gone. Me away, Mistress away, Me away, Mistress away etc etc. The other thing that had unsettled me a bit was the fact that I had agreed to do some DIY for Mistress. To be absolutely clear about this; I want to help Mistress. I would feel jealous if I knew she had asked someone else. It gives me pleasure. My problem is that I always feel rather vanilla when discussing or carrying out such tasks. This is not how I ever expect or want to feel where Mistress is concerned! It is also difficult to find the time / ‘home excuse’ to work for Mistress. Due to the urgency of the task and my own circumstances I had chosen to do it on the morning of my session. My fear was that I might struggle to find my inner ‘Slave Taquin’ when it was required later in the day.

Although I thought that Mistress was back home I wasn’t sure if I was meant to be sending her a morning text, and so I didn’t. Twitter was blocked to me. I had deleted my Facebook profiles a couple of days earlier and so I wrote this blog and got on with my preparations for the family weekend ahead.

Note: I have just reminded myself that I have had a good deal of contact with Mistress over the last few days, am bound to have a fair bit of contact over the weekend and that I will be spending almost a whole day with Mistress next week. I am such a lucky slave. I have mentally slapped myself accordingly!

Saturday turned into one of those days where I assess my situation. I get them from time to time. Sometimes it is to remind myself of how lucky I am. Sometimes it is to consider if my servitude is genuine. Sometimes it is to try to think of a way out! Today’s assessment was triggered by Mistress posing as me once again on my vanilla Facebook page. It had sent me into a real spin a week earlier and I had hoped that Mistress would provide me some respite from difficult questions from my Facebook friends. Today’s post was targeted directly at me. It made a clever, but disguised, reference to my new Facebook password. I had put a new password on my account as I had forgotten my old one (it always auto logs in from my home PC). I did tell Mistress that I was going to change it and made no effort to create something that Mistress would find difficult to crack. (I did think about making it impossible for her to work out but realised that she could extract it from me very easily and that the consequences would be most unpleasant). But on Saturday she obviously took great pleasure in illustrating to me that she had already found my new password. Her post resulted in me being asked about it by a close friend. I felt most uncomfortable once again. I wondered if there was any way that I could prevent my current perilous situation from descending into a world of pain for me. I thought about everything that Mistress knows about me, I thought about the fact that my servitude helps to pay her bills (and therefore that she is not likely to let me go), I thought about how much I love being her slave, I thought about the fact that there is a stainless steel cage locked around my privates by a padlock to which only Mistress can provide access and most of all I thought about that unsent email on the subject of femdom bullying and blackmail that Mistress had discovered on my laptop. The outcome of my assessment? I am in a lot of trouble and have no realistic way out. Yes that did make me very horny, yes I found myself dribbling uncontrollably in my cage, yes I did find myself looking at a picture of Mistress and feeling like she was the most wonderful woman in the world. But also I felt a real fear and worry for the situation I find myself in. Today I can hardly think straight. Mistress has so (too?) much power over me now.

Later that evening I received a WhatsApp. It said ‘so now you have had a taste of what REAL FEAR feels like’. The most frightening thing about it for me is how ridiculously horny it made me feel, fuelled as it was by my total dependence on Mistress.