Slave Taquin found himself on the deep decent part of my controller coaster this week, when he realised that everything he had wished for, was not as rosy as it once seemed. I always lead the way but ultimately, some slaves (like children) have to learn the hard way; Taquin being one of those slaves. Luckily for him, he has a wonderful and skilled Mistress to control the ride…upwards to great heights.
The week had started so well. Following my text exchange with Mistress on the Saturday night during which she had made me confess to my sins (time on Fetlife had proved to be my downfall this time) and sent me to bed with my tail well and truly between my legs. I had slept fitfully that night and woke to find myself with swollen and aching balls that acted as a reminder of the device containing Mistresses property. I had written my blog and done what I always do, waited for Mistress to read it and respond in some way. Sometimes this can be within 10 minutes and sometimes it will be much later in the day. Occasionally Mistress is so busy that she is unable to read it until later in the week. This was going to prove to be one of those weeks. As the day progressed vanilla life took over and I got on with the tasks that needed doing. I still checked my phone regularly hoping to hear from Mistress, but that was pretty unreasonable as it was Sunday.
Monday was quiet as was Tuesday. At one point on Tuesday Mistress had asked how here property was. I had replied that it was comfortable and pretty relaxed. As a result of just this one simple question things stirred down below but then it became clear that Mistress was just checking that I wasn’t doing myself any damage in the device. I heard nothing else from her, and everything relaxed again.
And then on Wednesday I descended into a deep depression! I am still not sure why really. It had started really well as Mistress had been kind enough to send me a picture of her in stockings. Oh how I love stockings! But then all went quiet again (apart from a comical exchange between us as I tried to learn the ins and outs of texting with IOS 10).
I had found myself reflecting on how things used to be and then about my current situation and about how things were going to be from now on. I remembered the adultwork tasks, the fetlife tasks, being made to research things that would just lead to my deeper control, the fun of not knowing what comes next, the not knowing what Mistress would or would not allow me that day, the spontaneity of it all. But then I considered where I was now. I concluded that I had, largely through my own desire for absolute control by Mistress, reached a position where I was now going to find myself isolated and inactive from a fetish perspective for 6 days a week. I pictured a world where the excitement and spontaneity had been removed. I pictured a world where with the exception of a morning text exchange with Mistress that most of my week would be vanilla. I had now found myself (since knowing that I would be allowed access for only one day a week) not even bothering to request access to anything internet related. Previously Mistress would force me to request access and just occasionally she would be kind enough to allow it. She had even used it as a reward mechanism to promote my good behaviour (it had got me very hot under the collar when she had proudly pronounced that she was grooming me). How she had teased me through this simple approach. In addition to this my phone had been playing up. Even when Mistress had been kind enough to send me pictures most of the time my phone had refused to display them, and I now didn’t even know if Mistress was reading my texts, and Mistress hadn’t told me yet if she had read or approved of my blog and, and, and, I felt isolated and depressed.
(This is all total rubbish of course, you will know that it was only a week ago when I was declaring how desperately horny that Mistress had made me through her degree of control that she was exerting on my fetish world!!! The other thing that is rubbish is my vision of what the future holds for me. I know that it is purely a function of my own paranoia – but this is what Mistress is capable of creating in my weak slave mind).
I hate telling Mistress when I am feeling down; particularly if it in any way suggests that I am not enjoying myself. It seems so ungrateful. But I have always been honest with Mistress about my feelings and emotions, up or down. I composed two emails and deleted both. I composed two texts and deleted both of them as well. Finally I composed yet another text and then spent 15 minutes with my finger hovering over the send button, before finally touching it.
Mistress and I exchanged several texts on the subject. They ranged between probing, dismissing, cajoling, reminding me of my position and finally one that ended ‘and so STFU’. (I thought I was going to have to Google that one but then it came to me!). What I love about Mistress in these situations is that she never shows weakness or sympathy. She will demand to know what is troubling me and give me the opportunity to communicate my feelings but will always remain totally in control of the situation. She listens well and understands, but ultimately everything that I reveal in such moments is filed away to allow her to maintain and increase her control further.
And then my vanilla world closed in on me for a couple of days. Mistress kindly gave me the space that I needed whilst gradually pulling me out of my depression. Of course she did it in the ways that only a Mistress who knows me so well would do. I have finished the week feeling relieved that I have been honest with Mistress. I still don’t know what the future really holds for me. Only Mistress Deelight knows that. Thank goodness she knows what I actually need rather than what I might think that I want.